I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
If you don't like your job, you don't strike! You just go in every day, and do it really half assed. That's the American way. - Homer Simpson
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
When my boss told me this is the fifth time I'm late, I smiled and thought to myself, it's Friday!!
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
The probability of meeting someone you know increases a hundredfold when you're with someone you're not supposed to be seen with.
Don't ask me anything, and I won't tell you any lies.
I love my job only when I'm on vacation.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
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