Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
To make time fly, throw your watch out the window.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
I don't have the time or crayons to explain myself to you.
I just got off a flight that crossed through five time zones. Does that make me a time traveler?
I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.
Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.
It's almost bed time, so I'll just check my e-mail, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and watch a season of my favorite show on Netflix real quick.
I'm not lazy, I'm waiting for inspiration to hit me... should be here any time now.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.
Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?
My four moods: I'm too old for doing that. I'm too tired for doing that. I'm too sober for doing that. I don't have time for doing that.
Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.
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