My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy.
Diet rule #1: If nobody sees you eating it, it doesn't contain any calories.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Next week I'm going on a diet, you can buy me jewelry instead of chocolate.
Math: the only place where you have to figure out the ratio of yellow candy to blue candy when all you're thinking about is eating them.
I'm on that new diet where you eat anything you want and you pray for a miracle.
I followed a diet but it didn't follow me back, so I unfollowed it.
Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.
If one door closes and another door opens... your house is probably haunted.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
You know you're a mom when you understand why mama bear's porridge was cold.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
I'm just going to flip this omelette... Okay, we're having scrambled eggs.
I'm glad I don't have to hunt my own food, I don't even know where sandwiches live.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
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