Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
More Quotes by Anonymous
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
Of course I talk to myself... sometimes I need expert advice.
They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.
Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
Dear life, when I said "can this day get any worse" it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
If you can't remember my name, just say "Chocolate" and I'll turn around.
I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'
Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "I know it's hard, but you'll be okay. Here's a coffee and a million dollars."
Why did Adele cross the road? To say 'Hello' from the other side.
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