Anonymous Funny Quotes

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A list of funny quotes that are written by an author that is not known or anonymous. Although not known, these amusing phrases must've had an author, so if you think you know who wrote any of them, please let us know.

just once I'd like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal. - Anonymous

just once I'd like to read a medication label that says: Warning, may cause permanent weight loss, increased energy and wrinkle removal.

Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before.

Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before.

Life Quotes Statements

It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt. - Anonymous

It's better to shut up and give the impression that you're stupid than to say something and erase all doubt.

Sayings Stupid Quotes

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute! - Anonymous

What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!

Life Quotes Questions

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed. - Anonymous

I'm the kind of crazy you weren't warned about because no one knew this level existed.

Life Quotes Stupid Quotes Top 100

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

Money Quotes Short Quotes Statements

My windows aren't dirty, my dog is painting. - Anonymous

My windows aren't dirty, my dog is painting.

Animals Dog Quotes Short Quotes

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number. - Anonymous

Lazy people fact #2347827309018287. You were too lazy to read that number.

Lazy Quotes People Quotes Short Quotes

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Life Quotes Never Quotes Short Quotes

How do you feel when the coffee machine is out coffee? Depresso.

Life Quotes Questions Short Quotes

I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.

I'm trying to think how I can think of what I want to think.

Short Quotes Stupid Quotes Think Quotes

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.

Eat Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour. - Anonymous

My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.

Analogies Short Quotes Work Quotes

I think something's missing in my life... Like... 2-3 million dollars. - Anonymous

I think something's missing in my life... Like... 2-3 million dollars.

Life Quotes Money Quotes Short Quotes

You never know what you have, until you clean your closet. - Anonymous

You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.

Know Quotes Lazy Quotes Never Quotes

Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.

Animals Cat Quotes Computers

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

To the guy who created imaginary numbers in Math: I hate you.

Math Quotes Sayings Short Quotes

Cleaning the house while your kids are still home is like shoveling.

Cleaning the house while your kids are still home is like shoveling while it's still snowing.

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious. - Anonymous

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you. - Anonymous

Always run away from temptations... but slowly, so they can catch up to you.

Short Quotes Wise Quotes

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

When you wake up at 6 in the morning, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's already 6:45. When you're at work and it's 2:30, you close your eyes for 5 minutes and it's 2:31.

Sleep Quotes Work Quotes

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't like the thought of being gone so long!

I'm not afraid to die. I just don't like the thought of being gone so long!

Life Quotes Short Quotes

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff. - Anonymous

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

Life Quotes Short Quotes Top 100

I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free. - Anonymous

I don't understand why judges get paid so much, others judge me for free.

How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.

How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.

Never Quotes Sayings Wise Quotes