I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
I follow a rigorous exercise routine that I never get lazy about; fetching beer bottles from the fridge.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
Be bold, be italic, but never regular.
I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
No matter how smart you are you can never convince someone stupid that they are stupid.
You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.
My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.
Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
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