How can you make sure you never miss your target? Shoot first, and whatever you hit, call it the target.
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure!
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
I always intended to pay for my sins, but I could never afford it.
Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.
I'm never wrong. Just different levels of right.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
You never know what you have, until you clean your closet.
Alcohol kills brain cells slowly, but that never bothered me because I'm not in a hurry.
My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right!
Doing nothing is hard, you never know when you're done.
Never ask a starfish for directions.
Making food: 1 hour. Eating food: 20 seconds. Washing dishes: never ending.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Be bold, be italic, but never regular.
Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again.
Never run away when you see a bear, unless you know you can beat some of the other runners.
I never made a mistake in my life. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.
I don't know how to act my age because I've never been this old before.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.
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