You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Never trust someone who takes hours to text you back, but when you hang out with them they check their phone every minute.
Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad idea.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee on myself.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
Newspaper Ad. FREE PUPPIES: Half cocker spaniel, half sneaky neighbors dog.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing, right in your ear.
Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
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