You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Never test how deep the water is with both feet.
If someone says "Who are you gonna call?" and your instinct is to say "Ghostbusters" then I probably don't want to know you.
I wasn't mad, but now that you asked me 7 times if I'm mad.. yes, I'm mad!
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
To make a mistake is human, but to blame it on someone else, that's even more human.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?
You know the speed of light; so what is the speed of dark?
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?
Who are you and how did you get in here? Frank: I'm a locksmith. And... I'm a locksmith...
Naked Gun (Movie)
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he's lost?
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Why is the sky blue? Sure there is an explanation, but lets just be thankful it's not red!
Why was the rabbit chasing the frog? Because the frog kept calling out "riaabit.. riabbit.."
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
If you don't succeed at first, hide all evidence that you tried.
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