Yes officer I saw the speed limit, I just didn't see your car.
If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.
When the cop told me to give him my first name and last name I told him, 'Are you crazy? What's my name going to be then?'
Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing, right in your ear.
I wish that all of my enemies had three cars parked in front of their house. An ambulance, fire truck and police car.
Being angry is not necessarily bad, some the best things were invented by angry people. Lamborghini didn't produce a single car until Enzo Ferrari made him angry.
If I don't log into Facebook two days in a row, call the police, someone must've kidnapped me!
When a man gets close to a woman wearing a leather mini-skirt, his heart starts beating faster, his throat gets dry, his knees get weak and he becomes irrational.. Why? Because the leather smells like a new car.
Officer: I had a feeling I'd catch someone speeding here. Driver: I know, that's why I came as fast as I could!
My grandpa's car is so old; when he parked in front of a museum, they towed his car inside the museum.
Why didn't I use my turn signals? It's nobody's business where I'm going.
A cop pulled me over and told me "Papers", so I said "Scissors, I win!" and drove off.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket."
I hate it when I turn on the car in the morning and the music starts blasting... It's like, woah, I'm not the same person I was last night.
I know my limits. I don't always obey them, but I know them.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!
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