I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
An expert is a person who has made every possible mistake in a small field of study.
If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
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