I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
Never stand between a dog and the fire hydrant.
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing, right in your ear.
For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.
Pro Tip: In the event of a tornado or other such natural disaster, place weiners and/or cheese slices in your pockets so the search dogs can find you first.
You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
I love you so much I'd fight a bear for you. Well not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu... But a care bear, I'd definitely fight a care bear for you.
Two mice are eating a movie film roll at a cinema when one says to the other: this movie is good, but the book was better!
The only thing you have to fear is fear itself... and spiders.
A horse is dangerous at both ends, and uncomfortable in the middle.
Don't worry, the spider is smaller than you. "Yeah. So is a grenade."
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
What did the dog say after walking in the desert for hours? If I don't find a tree soon I'm gonna pee on myself.
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
I just found out it takes 5 sheep to make one wool sweater. I didn't even know they knew how to knit.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
It was me, I let the dogs out.
Bought a talking parrot today and taught him to say "Help, I've been turned into a parrot."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
To a dog, a fire hydrant under maintenance is like a bathroom that's out of service.
God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.
Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
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