Cats have 32 muscles in each ear, to help them ignore you.
Why can't cats work on the computer? They get too distracted chasing the mouse around.
I'm sorry that I'm not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
George W. Bush
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way!
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
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