I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
There's something missing in my life, I just don't know if it's a puppy, a person, or a slice of pizza.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you."
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
A misty day does not signify a cloudy day, it signifies frizzy hair.
I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
I drank so much Vodka last night that this morning I woke up with a Russian accent.
The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country.
