All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
I get enough exercise just by pushing my luck!
I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you."
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.
I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
I thought about losing weight once, but I don't like losing.
The book of records wanted to give me the record for the biggest liar, but I lied that I moved out of the country.
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
He who wakes up early, yawns all day long.
If there is a "WILL", there are 500 relatives.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
I bet you anything that I can stop gambling right now.
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.
When I'm at work I can fall asleep instantly, but when I'm in my bed I can hardly fall asleep.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
A misty day does not signify a cloudy day, it signifies frizzy hair.
Everything happening now happens because of everything that has happened before.
There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
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