I hate it when people text "Call me." I'm going to start calling people and as soon as they answer I'll say "text me," then hang up.
Anonymous
I don't go crazy, I am crazy. I just go normal from time to time.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
A. Whitney Brown
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Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
Dear LOL, thank you for being there for me all those times I never had something else to say.
Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back.
I did a push-up today. Well actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so close enough.
I only check my voice mail to get rid of the annoying little icon.
Just because I can't sing doesn't mean that I won't sing.
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with ONLY a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Erma Bombeck
Everyone has photographic memory; some just don't have the film.
The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com
The surest sign that there's intelligent life elsewhere in the universe, is that it has never contacted us.
I always mean what I say, I don't always mean to say it out loud, but I always mean it.
I liked the movie Titanic, my favorite character was the iceberg.
I wake up looking better every day, but today I'm exaggerating.
I've always wanted to turn around in an executive chair and say "I've been expecting you."
