Facebook status: I'm not online, it's just an optical illusion.
Paper cut: A tree's final moment of revenge.
When I saw the monkeys at the zoo it reminded me of watching political debates on TV.
Today I will live in the moment... unless that moment becomes unpleasant, in which case I'll take a nap.
There is no better moment to postpone something you don't want to do other than right now.
I hate it when people see me at the supermarket and they're like 'Hey, what are you doing here?' I tell them 'You know.. hunting elephants.'
Google earth view gives you the amazing chance to see amazing places all over the world, from the comfort of your own home. With this amazing privilege, what do most people look at? Their own house, their friends houses, and mostly places they have already been to!
For this New Year's day, weather forecasters are warning of an incoming storm of hugs and kisses all over the planet... we advise closing your umbrella and opening your heart.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Some people have "aha" moments, I just have "Oh Seriously?" moments.
A UFO!? Quick, grab the worst camera we own.
Let's have a beer together, you can open it and I will drink it.
I'll do the stupid thing first and then you shy people follow .
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
What is the one machine at your local gym you should use to impress the ladies? The bank machine.
When I stare at the sky, I see you. When I stare out into the ocean, I see you. When I'm looking at the moon, I see you. Geez! Would you move aside, you're constantly getting in my way!
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, 'Send one of my bags to New York, one to Los Angeles, and one to Miami.' She said, 'We can't do that!' I told her, 'You did it last week!'
I once finished first on my running team, then the coach asked me where everyone else is.
A girl called me once and said "come over, nobody is home!" I went there and she was right, nobody was home!
Honesty top moment: to be a cop and give yourself a ticket for going through a red light.
Luckiness top moment: To get run over by an ambulance.
Ladies and gentlemen thank you for flying xyz airlines, we hope you enjoyed your flight as much as we enjoyed taking your money. Please remember to take all your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among crew members.
Sometimes I get road rage just pushing a shopping cart in a supermarket.
Studying top moment: to exercise your memory and start sweating.
That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.
