Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!
Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!
You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do? Get off the carousel!
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.
I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.
I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."
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