Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.
In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency notify:"I put "Doctor."
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
Pool rules: You're not allowed to do anything that begins with the words 'Hey everyone watch this!'
My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I was told to check my attitude. I did, and it's still there.. it hasn't gone anywhere. What's the problem?
I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.
I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.
Whenever I'm sad, you're there. Whenever I have problems, you're there. Whenever I lose control, you're there. Let's face it, you are bad luck.
Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!
When I said that I cleaned my room, I just meant I made a path from the doorway to my bed.
My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.
I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.
I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I'm hilarious.
You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do? Get off the carousel!
I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
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