Funny Witty Quotes

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Eric Morecambe

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

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It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Alexander Wright

I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

Ronnie Shakes

I'm not being smart, I'm just a skilled trained professional in pointing out the obvious.

Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

Anonymous

My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.

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Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

Anonymous

Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!

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Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.

Anonymous

You're riding a horse full speed, and there's a giraffe on your left and a lion chasing you from behind, so what do you do? Get off the carousel!

Anonymous

I once had a job in a orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.

Anonymous

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.

Anonymous

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

Anonymous

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Steven Alexander Wright

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!

Anonymous

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Anonymous