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Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote! - Anonymous

Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!

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I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.

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I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

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Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!

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I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making. - CoolFunnyQuotes.com

I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.

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The broccoli says....

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. - Eric Morecambe

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

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Photo of lioness sitting on grass with quotation about lion being afraid.

A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.

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Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion.

Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.

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If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.

Anonymous

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What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.' - Anonymous

What's happening with your phone, every time I call you it says 'The subscriber you're calling is a monkey, please contact the zoo.'

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Prescribed laughter

My doctor prescribed laughter as the most efficient medicine. Unfortunately the pharmacist said too many people were crying from laughter so it's no longer available.

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My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one. - Anonymous

My advice is to never listen to any advice, not even this one.

Anonymous

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

My silence spoke a thousand words, but you never heard them.

Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable. - Anonymous

I love that cute thing you do when you stop texting me for hours, it's adorable.

Anonymous

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

I wanted to make a clever chemistry joke, but the best ones argon.

Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty. - Anonymous

My kitchen cleaner says "for a clean kitchen" so I can't use it, mine is dirty.

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I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all. - Anonymous

I found the hotel with the most stars in the world. It has an open roof so you can see them all.

Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them? - Anonymous

Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don't you let them?

Anonymous

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once. - Anonymous

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.

Anonymous

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