Cat life mice can foxes be wolves boring frogs but grasshopper let's swan love it cow anyhow. Now read it again without the animals.
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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information, like when you're cold, you should go to a corner since it's 90 degrees there.
I fear one day I'll meet God, he'll sneeze and I won't know what to say.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
Whether you give a crap or don't give a crap, nobody wants crap anyway!
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
If aliens saw us walking our dogs and picking up their poop, who would they think is in charge?
How does the healthy dog bark? Ruff Ruff.
How does the cold dog bark ? Scarf Scarf.
How does the confused dog bark? Wutf? Wutf?
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
A zooology teacher asks the class 'What is the one animal in the jungle that a lion is afraid of?' The class answers: a lioness.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
What are the two magic words that you can always use to make a shark happy? "Man Overboard!"
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have thick fingers.
Three monkeys escaped from the zoo, one was caught watching TV, the other playing hockey, and the third one was caught reading this quote!
You can teach a cat to do anything that it wants to do.
If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest... I would miss you so much.
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