They say "don't try this at home" so I'm coming over to your house to try it.
Remember: Don't Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
What animal can jump higher than a house? Any animal that can jump at all, because houses can't jump.
I'm not here to judge, I'm just pointing out all the mistakes you're making.
If what you've done is stupid but it works, then it really isn't that stupid at all.
David Letterman
The best advise I have for all my teachers during a test is to pass the test out as fast as possible before I forget everything.
When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.
For the best seat in the house, you'll have to move the dog.
Don't know where your kids are in the house? Turn off the internet and they'll show up quickly.
Sharks are not so bad... If a stranger came into my house wearing only a bathing suit, I'd probably get angry too.
Got to work this morning and my boss told me 'have a good day', so I went home and had a great day!
Love is like a tornado, picks you up off your feet and sometimes takes half your house.
Make yourself at home... clean my kitchen.
My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it.
My cell phone is acting up, I keep pressing the home button but when I look around, I'm still at work.
Being a beaver is nice, if you're hungry you just eat a piece of your home.
Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Some things are better left unsaid, which I certainly realize, right after I say them.
That moment the doorbell rings and you tip toe to the window pretending you're not home.
I just cleaned the house top to bottom, so now I'm gonna need everybody to stop living here.
