Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.
I don't understand what's bothering you honey, I bring you coffee in bed every morning, all you have to do is grind it.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
You laugh because I'm different........... I laugh cause I just farted!
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
Douglas Adams
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Ronnie Shakes
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
George W. Bush
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can't see.
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Jack Handey
