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One day my wife's credit card got stolen.

One day my wife's credit card got stolen.. what a relief it was to find that the thief spends less than my wife!

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Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

Me and my wife lived happily for twenty years.... then we met.

Anonymous

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Newspaper Ad. For sale: Encyclopedia Britannica, complete set of 45 volumes. No longer needed due to getting married. My wife knows everything. $200 Or best offer.

Anonymous

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In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Woody Allen

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My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Henny Youngman

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I always help my wife out with housework such as washing the dishes and doing the laundry. She washes them, and I let them dry.

Anonymous

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When I tried to do a search for marital advise on Google, it tried to finish my sentence for me, just like my wife does.

Anonymous

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My wife never gives up. She is so insistent that she entered the wrong password over and over again until she managed to convince the computer that she's right!

Anonymous

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My wife loves me so much, she tries her best to attract me to her. The other day she put on a perfume that smells like a computer.

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I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.

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My wife told me the other day that I don't take her to expensive places any more, so I took her to the gas station.

Anonymous

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If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

Sigmund Freud

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I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

I now pronounce you man and wife, you may now change your Facebook status.

Anonymous

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Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

Anonymous

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Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Groucho Marx

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Marriage is a wonderful institution... but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx

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I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Rita Rudner

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The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following.

The hardest part of trying to steal one sheep is stopping the rest of them from following.

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They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

They say that love is more important than money, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?

Anonymous

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Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.

Benjamin Franklin

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There was a time when people said, 'Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that.' Now they just say, 'Pay him!'

Jim Carey

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