Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You bonehead.." would probably be considered offensive. Anonymous

Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I'm done with work. Anonymous

Short Quotes Time Quotes Work Quotes

I survived the great toilet paper scare of 2020. Anonymous

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead. - Bill McGlashen

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

Bill McGlashen

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid. Anonymous

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit. Anonymous

Ever looked at your ex and wondered... was I drunk the entire relationship? Anonymous

Love Quotes Questions Short Quotes

Where do I see myself in a year? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision. Anonymous

How to do sit-ups: Lay down, hands behind your head. Wow, this is a good position for a nap. Maybe I'll just take a nap. Anonymous

Lazy Quotes Sleep Quotes

My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works and I'll shop. - Anonymous

My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works and I'll shop. Anonymous

Short Quotes Work Quotes

Can we start the weekend again? I wasn't ready. Anonymous

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes Work Quotes

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. - Erma Bombeck

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Erma Bombeck

Short Quotes Work Quotes

Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad idea. Anonymous

Animals Dog Quotes Short Quotes

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That's like 7 years in a row now. Anonymous

Target cashier: Did you find everything you were looking for? Me: First of all, I wasn't looking for ANY of this. Anonymous

Less is more, unless it's kindness, sleep, or toilet paper. Anonymous

I'm dying for some sweets and the only thing sweet in the house is me. Anonymous

Love Quotes Short Quotes

My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you're talking and not hear a single word you said. Anonymous

One of the benefits of being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas, no make-up, and look like crap and I won't judge you. Anonymous

Remember when we were young we wanted to stay up for New Year's? Now we're old and cursing because we're staying up past 9:30 and our entire sleep routine is disturbed. Anonymous

New year resolution: Complete the resolutions I set in 2019, that were actually from 2018, passed down from 2017, originally from 2016, actually set in 2015, that all began in 2014 but truly started in 2013. - Anonymous

New year resolution: Complete the resolutions I set in 2019, that were actually from 2018, passed down from 2017, originally from 2016, actually set in 2015, that all began in 2014 but truly started in 2013. Anonymous

My new year resolutions: 1. Stop procrastinating so much. 2. I'll post the rest tomorrow or whenever. - Anonymous

My new year resolutions: 1. Stop procrastinating so much. 2. I'll post the rest tomorrow or whenever. Anonymous

A new year resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. Anonymous

I don't have a new year resolution - you don't need that when you're perfect. - Anonymous

I don't have a new year resolution - you don't need that when you're perfect. Anonymous

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