Latest Funny Quotes

A person that weights 200 pounds on Earth weighs 76 pounds on Mars. So I'm not overweight, I'm on the wrong planet.

I need to social distance with the refrigerator so I can flatten my curve.

I may look fine on the outside, but on the inside I'm hungry again.

Website: We use cookies to improve our performance. Me: Same!

Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience.

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says "Smell this," it usually smells nice.

The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the objects and furniture in the house are in the correct place.

I often wonder who Pete is, and why we do things for his sake.

Dear mathematicians: Stop asking us to find your x. She has a new boyfriend.

Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

If zombies ever attack, just go to Costco. They have strong walls, years of food supplies, and Zombies can't get in because they don't have a membership card.

Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and live for 150 years. Lesson learned.

I named my dog "5 Miles," so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.

You know you're mature when you go to the dentist and you are no longer afraid of pain, but of how much it costs.