Latest quotes in the order they were added.
I'm dying for some sweets and the only thing sweet in the house is me.
My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes while you're talking and not hear a single word you said.
One of the benefits of being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas, no make-up, and look like crap and I won't judge you.
Remember when we were young we wanted to stay up for New Year's? Now we're old and cursing because we're staying up past 9:30 and our entire sleep routine is disturbed.
New year resolution: Complete the resolutions I set in 2019, that were actually from 2018, passed down from 2017, originally from 2016, actually set in 2015, that all began in 2014 but truly started in 2013.
My new year resolutions: 1. Stop procrastinating so much. 2. I'll post the rest tomorrow or whenever.
A new year resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
I don't have a new year resolution - you don't need that when you're perfect.
Happy New Year! Here's to another year of binge eating, Facebook surfing, and Netflix marathons.
My new year's resolution was to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me - nobody likes a quitter.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where is the pop corn?
Do you ever feel like your body's "check engine" light is on but you're like "nah, I'll be fine"?
I'm tired of adding 'LOL' to the end of my texts for sensitive people. I said what I said, deal with it.
Going in a teen's room is like going to Ikea. You pop in to take a look and come out with 4 bowls, 6 cups, a set of plates, and some cutlery.
Each year in the USA, 16 people are attacked by sharks and 6000 by goats . We don't need shark week, we need goat week.
Who knew that the hardest part of being an adult is figuring out what to cook for dinner every single night for the rest of your life.
I can't finish cleaning up my room because I get distracted by all of the cool stuff I find.
Whoever said "Out of sight, out of mind" never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.
This too shall pass... It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It's like the other vegetables aren't even trying.
I love all mythical creatures... vampires, werewolves, unicorns, kids who listen.
I don't want to adult today, I just want to dog. I'll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.
I want to be cuddled, but I also want to be left alone. Being crazy is hard.
I really want to be nice, but annoying people just won't let me.
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