Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons...and 85% morons. Frank Zappa

Why can't the house clean itself? It seems to get dirty by itself. Anonymous

I'm looking for a moisturizer to hide the fact that I've been tired since 2010. Anonymous

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks. - Anonymous

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks. Anonymous

Life Quotes Short Quotes

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up. - Anonymous

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up. Anonymous

Computers Short Quotes

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes. - Anonymous

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes. Anonymous

Facebook Friend Quotes Short Quotes

I just spent half an hour looking for my phone in the car, using the flashlight on my phone. Anonymous

Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. I drink some beer and the world circles around me. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking World Quotes

How can you hurt someone with words? Hit them with a dictionary. Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes

My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we're setting up tent here. Anonymous

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes

Them: Money doesn't bring happiness. Me: Pass the money over here, I like to be sad. Anonymous

They say time is the solution to every problem. I've been waiting for five hours already and the room is still messy. - Anonymous

They say time is the solution to every problem. I've been waiting for five hours already and the room is still messy. Anonymous

I'm as single as a one dollar bill, and I don't need any change. Anonymous

Money Quotes Short Quotes

By the power vested in me by Facebook, I now pronounce you unfriended and restricted. You may now kiss my butt. Anonymous

We should start referring to age as "levels." So when you're level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person. Anonymous

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

I'm not sure what is more scary these days, checking my temperature or checking my weight. Anonymous

I'm still trying to figure out how "wash your hands often" translates into "buy all the toilet paper you can find." Anonymous

Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive. Anonymous

Money Quotes People Quotes Short Quotes

I would've never imaged going into a bank wearing a mask and asking the teller for money. Anonymous

If I'm constantly bothering you, it means you're an important person. Anonymous

We all just kind of accept it as normal that we have a meat tentacle living inside of our mouth. Anonymous

Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out. Anonymous

If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

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