Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway. Anonymous

Drinking People Quotes Short Quotes

"Are you busy tomorrow?" That entirely depends on what you need me to do. Anonymous

Life Quotes Questions Short Quotes

Tupperware is a fun way to store your leftovers until you throw them away. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons? Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes

I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me. Anonymous

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to run in and grab a 36-pack of toilet paper as soon as the store opens. This message will auto-flush in 5 seconds. Anonymous

Don't scare me, I fart easily. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes

Kids: How come the closet is completely full of toilet paper? Me: We're getting 3 cats, we have to pad all the walls in the house. Anonymous

Animals Cat Quotes

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh. - Anonymous

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh. Anonymous

Animals Cat Quotes Dog Quotes

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. - Anonymous

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

I'm not bored of being quarantined, last night I even struck up a conversation with a spider. Turns out he's a web designer. Anonymous

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. - Anonymous

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. Anonymous

Covid Health tip: If you hold a can of beer in both hands, you can't touch your face. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking

Q: How did you vote this year?
A: With a mask and gloves.
Q: And what are you hoping for?
A: That I don't get infected.
Q: No I mean what do you hope will change after your vote?
A: My mask and gloves.
Q: So what do you think the results will be?
A: Some will be positive, some negative. Anonymous

Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night. Anonymous

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper available that people used to string it up in trees to annoy people. Anonymous

If you were wondering about my culinary skills... I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gatherings. Anonymous

Good morning self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? - Anonymous

Good morning self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? Anonymous

Eat Quotes Good Quotes

It's not boring staying in the house for weeks in a row. But how come one bag of rice has 48,356 gains and the other 47,998? Anonymous

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday. Anonymous

Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don't have clean underwear. Anonymous

Life Quotes Marriage Quotes

Honestly, I don't even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I'm like "I guess this is what we're doing now." Anonymous

Here's human empathy for you: Things die all over our windshields and we're like, "Man, I just washed this!" Anonymous

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed. Anonymous

Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

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