Latest Funny Quotes

I'm so glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It's ready handy this parallelogram season.

Anonymous

I'm retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.

Anonymous

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house. It was delicious.

Anonymous

I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.

Anonymous

I'm a multi-tasking procrastinator. I can put off multiple things at once.

Anonymous

My brain cells, skin cells and hair cells continue to die, but my fat cells seem to have an eternal life.

Anonymous

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

Anonymous

My neighbors were yelling so loud at their kids to clean up their room that out of fear even I started cleaning my room.

Anonymous

Dear phone, if you didn't light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn't have died so quickly!

Anonymous

I don't have bad handwriting, I'm just using my own font.

Anonymous

Think of a number between 1 and 10. Multiply it by 9 and subtract 1. Now close your eyes. It's dark isn't it?

Anonymous

Sorry I can't come today. My sister's friend's mother's grandpa's brother's grandson's uncle's fish died, and it was tragic.

Anonymous

I keep pressing the space bar, but I'm still on Earth.

Anonymous

I could be a morning person.. if morning was sometime around noon.

Anonymous

I turned my phone on airplane mode and threw it in the air. Worst transformer ever.

Anonymous

You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Anonymous

Dear auto-correct, that's not what I was trying to say. I'm getting tired of your shirt.

Anonymous

Sit down and let me tell you a story. Once upon a time I was hungry, and that's what happened to all your chocolate.

Anonymous