Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

Got up this morning and ran around the block five times. Then I got tired, so I put the block back in the toy box. Anonymous

Exercise Quotes

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch episodes of hoarders on TV and then I think "Wow, my house looks awesome!" - Anonymous

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watch episodes of hoarders on TV and then I think "Wow, my house looks awesome!" Anonymous

You come from dust and you'll return to dust, so that's why I never dust. It could be someone I know. Anonymous

If you want to impress me with your car, it better be a food truck. Anonymous

If someone is laughing, then laugh with them. If someone is singing, then sing them. If someone is working, let them work... you don't want to ruin their concentration. Anonymous

I'm staying up past midnight this New Year's eve. Not to welcome the new year, but to make sure this one is over. Anonymous

Imagine surviving Covid 19 and then China releases Covid 19S Plus Pro. Anonymous

Does anyone else stare at the dead body in movies to see if you can catch them breathing? - Anonymous

Does anyone else stare at the dead body in movies to see if you can catch them breathing? Anonymous

They say water is the source of life, which is true because you can't make coffee without water. Anonymous

How great is it to do absolutely nothing and follow it up by taking a rest. Anonymous

Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

Some things are better left unsaid, but people get drunk and say them anyway. Anonymous

Drinking People Quotes Short Quotes

"Are you busy tomorrow?" That entirely depends on what you need me to do. Anonymous

Life Quotes Questions Short Quotes

Tupperware is a fun way to store your leftovers until you throw them away. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

Where do they get the seeds to plant seedless watermelons? Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes

I will be posting telepathically on all social media today. So if you think of something funny, that was me. Anonymous

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to run in and grab a 36-pack of toilet paper as soon as the store opens. This message will auto-flush in 5 seconds. Anonymous

Don't scare me, I fart easily. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes

Kids: How come the closet is completely full of toilet paper? Me: We're getting 3 cats, we have to pad all the walls in the house. Anonymous

Animals Cat Quotes

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh. - Anonymous

Today I saw a woman talking to her cat, she really thought the cat understood. I told my dog when I got home... we both had a good laugh. Anonymous

Animals Cat Quotes Dog Quotes

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. - Anonymous

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

I'm not bored of being quarantined, last night I even struck up a conversation with a spider. Turns out he's a web designer. Anonymous

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. - Anonymous

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. Anonymous

Covid Health tip: If you hold a can of beer in both hands, you can't touch your face. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking

Q: How did you vote this year?
A: With a mask and gloves.
Q: And what are you hoping for?
A: That I don't get infected.
Q: No I mean what do you hope will change after your vote?
A: My mask and gloves.
Q: So what do you think the results will be?
A: Some will be positive, some negative. Anonymous

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