Latest quotes in the order they were added.
Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive.
I would've never imaged going into a bank wearing a mask and asking the teller for money.
If I'm constantly bothering you, it means you're an important person.
We all just kind of accept it as normal that we have a meat tentacle living inside of our mouth.
Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out.
If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it.
Ironically jogging pants are mostly worn by the laziest people.
When the teacher said "Don't forget to bring clothes for Gym," I thought "Who is Jim and why doesn't he bring his own clothes?"
I have everything you could possibly ever need in my purse... except for money.
The only exercise I've done this month is running... out of money!
They say money doesn't solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.
That moment you're thankful for Coronavirus social distancing rules because you just ate some garlic.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You bonehead.." would probably be considered offensive.
Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I'm done with work.
I survived the great toilet paper scare of 2020.
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit.
Ever looked at your ex and wondered... was I drunk the entire relationship?
Where do I see myself in a year? I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision.
How to do sit-ups: Lay down, hands behind your head. Wow, this is a good position for a nap. Maybe I'll just take a nap.
My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works and I'll shop.
Can we start the weekend again? I wasn't ready.
Cool Funny Quotes
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2020