Latest Funny Quotes

I wish I could invoice people for wasting my time.

Anonymous

I don't understand, but I also don't care... so it works out.

Anonymous

Every time we try to eat healthy along comes Christmas, Easter, summer, Friday, or Tuesday and ruins it for us.

Anonymous

They say the best things take time. That's why I'm always late.

Anonymous

I always knew I'd get old. How fast it happened was a bit of a surprise though.

Anonymous

I'm not a morning person. I'm not even an afternoon person. I pretty much start functioning after 6pm.

Anonymous

I know some people don't like me, but what can I do, not everyone has good taste.

Anonymous

Modern intelligence: if all bathrooms in the house are taken, turn off the internet.

Anonymous

I don't understand people who say "I don't know how to thank you." Like they never heard of money.

Anonymous

Your secrets are safe with me... I wasn't even listening.

Anonymous

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I'm doing while I'm doing it.

Anonymous

Don't blame the holidays, you were already overweight in August.

Anonymous

Never forget those who helped you along the way... Google, Wikipedia and Dictionary.

Anonymous

Learn from the mistakes of others, you can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

Groucho Marx

I used to think I was indecisive, but I'm not too sure any more.

Anonymous

I already want to take a nap tomorrow.

Anonymous

The trick is to not let people know how weird you are until it's too late for them to back out.

Anonymous

That awkward moment your mom is doing the dishes and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

Anonymous