Latest Funny Quotes

When I get to work, I always hide first... because a good worker is always hard to find.

I don't know why everyone wants love like in the movies. A movie is only 2 hours.

Chocolate is the best investment, you buy a 7oz bar and you gain 2lbs.

Day 12 without chocolate: Lost all hearing in my left eye.

Maybe hot chocolate wants to be called beautiful chocolate at least one time.

My body cracks like a glow stick every time I move, but refuses to light up.

Oh Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Mickey. Hey, Hey Mickey! Face it, you didn't read that, you sang it.

True love isn't about what's on the outside, it's about what's on the inside.... the wallet.

When I finish eating something I have to show my hands to the dog, like I'm a blackjack dealer...

One day I'll do amazing things. Today I'll be satisfied if I don't spill food on my lap.

My kid asked me why a corn field is not full of popcorn after a lightning strike. I don't know either.

When I see someone wearing a pink shirt I'm like, What are you hunting? Flamingos?

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can't eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away.

Prophecy class has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.

Apparently "Spite" is not an appropriate answer to "What motivates you?"