Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. - Anonymous

My body has absorbed so much soap, sanitizer and disinfectant, that now when I pee it cleans the toilet. Anonymous

Covid Health tip: If you hold a can of beer in both hands, you can't touch your face. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking

Q: How did you vote this year?
A: With a mask and gloves.
Q: And what are you hoping for?
A: That I don't get infected.
Q: No I mean what do you hope will change after your vote?
A: My mask and gloves.
Q: So what do you think the results will be?
A: Some will be positive, some negative. Anonymous

Currently helping my kids find the chocolate that I ate last night. Anonymous

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper available that people used to string it up in trees to annoy people. Anonymous

If you were wondering about my culinary skills... I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gatherings. Anonymous

Good morning self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? - Anonymous

Good morning self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? Anonymous

Eat Quotes Good Quotes

It's not boring staying in the house for weeks in a row. But how come one bag of rice has 48,356 gains and the other 47,998? Anonymous

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday. Anonymous

Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don't have clean underwear. Anonymous

Life Quotes Marriage Quotes

Honestly, I don't even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I'm like "I guess this is what we're doing now." Anonymous

Here's human empathy for you: Things die all over our windshields and we're like, "Man, I just washed this!" Anonymous

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed. Anonymous

Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

I don't have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights. Anonymous

Short Quotes Witty Quotes

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons...and 85% morons. Frank Zappa

Why can't the house clean itself? It seems to get dirty by itself. Anonymous

I'm looking for a moisturizer to hide the fact that I've been tired since 2010. Anonymous

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks. - Anonymous

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks. Anonymous

Life Quotes Short Quotes

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up. - Anonymous

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up. Anonymous

Computers Short Quotes

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes. - Anonymous

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes. Anonymous

Facebook Friend Quotes Short Quotes

I just spent half an hour looking for my phone in the car, using the flashlight on my phone. Anonymous

Some people spend a fortune so they can circle the world. I drink some beer and the world circles around me. Anonymous

Beer Quotes Drinking World Quotes

How can you hurt someone with words? Hit them with a dictionary. Anonymous

Questions Short Quotes

My darling, this scenery makes me speechless. Husband: Perfect, we're setting up tent here. Anonymous

Love Quotes Marriage Quotes

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