Latest Funny Quotes

Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.

Anonymous

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

Anonymous

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Anonymous

You don't know something? Google it. You don't know someone? Facebook it. You don't know where something is? MOM!

Anonymous

I always give 100% at work! 12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on Thursday and 5% on Friday. Welcome back weekend.

Anonymous

We're all mature, until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.

Anonymous

You're never too old to do goofy stuff.

Anonymous

Would you believe my neighbor was knocking on my door at 2:30AM this morning? Luckily, I was still up playing bagpipes.

Anonymous

Don't invite me anywhere in the last minute. I enjoy doing nothing, so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.

Anonymous

I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and I find is ingredients.

Anonymous

I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there's a small hole in the bag somewhere.

Anonymous

My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I'm still at work.

Anonymous

I haven't even gone to bed yet and I already can't wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Anonymous

The only running I do is to chase the ice cream truck.

Anonymous

If I say "First of all," run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

Anonymous

I wish the homes of all my friends were connected to mine by secret underground tunnels.

Anonymous