Latest quotes in the order they were added.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It's hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet. So don't you dare lose me!
I wonder what people do with all the time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK."
Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
Be kind to people, and if that's too much to ask for then just be weird to people. It's the least you can do.
One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
Teacher: Why are you talking during my lesson? Student: Why are you teaching during my conversation?
I hate having a messy house. Not enough to actually clean it, but enough to give it a disgusted stare while I peacefully relax on the couch.
I don't want to brag or anything, but I can still fit in the earrings I wore in high school.
You have never experienced true fear until a poster falls off the wall in the middle of the night.
I'm always in a rush to go home, and do absolutely nothing.
Just once I'd like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear "Monday has been cancelled," and then go back to sleep.
I try to contain my craziness, but the lid keeps popping off.
I'm slowly becoming an adult... please make it stop.
I'm not stubborn, my way is just better than yours.
Me watching Olympics: Woah! That was outstanding! Announcer: Another devastating mistake.
That moment you turn down the music while driving around looking for a street address, so you can see better.
I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right.
What if there was no Google? Good question.. I'll have to Google it.
When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets, because stressed spelled backwards is desserts.
No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping tube is still a fun thing to bonk someone over the head with.
Yesterday I wore something from 5 years ago and it actually fit. So proud of myself. It was a scarf, but still, let's be positive here.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. I'm really scared, you guys.
I think I may need professional help... A chef, a butler and a maid should be enough.
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