Latest Funny Quotes

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Latest quotes in the order they were added.

By the power vested in me by Facebook, I now pronounce you unfriended and restricted. You may now kiss my butt. Anonymous

We should start referring to age as "levels." So when you're level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person. Anonymous

I love sarcasm. It's like punching people in the face, but with words. Anonymous

People Quotes Short Quotes Witty Quotes

I'm not sure what is more scary these days, checking my temperature or checking my weight. Anonymous

I'm still trying to figure out how "wash your hands often" translates into "buy all the toilet paper you can find." Anonymous

Are you free tomorrow? No, tomorrow I'm still expensive. Anonymous

Money Quotes People Quotes Short Quotes

I would've never imaged going into a bank wearing a mask and asking the teller for money. Anonymous

If I'm constantly bothering you, it means you're an important person. Anonymous

We all just kind of accept it as normal that we have a meat tentacle living inside of our mouth. Anonymous

Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out. Anonymous

If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it. Anonymous

Eat Quotes Short Quotes

Ironically jogging pants are mostly worn by the laziest people. Anonymous

Exercise Quotes Lazy Quotes Short Quotes

When the teacher said "Don't forget to bring clothes for Gym," I thought "Who is Jim and why doesn't he bring his own clothes?" Anonymous

Exercise Quotes

I have everything you could possibly ever need in my purse... except for money. Anonymous

Money Quotes Short Quotes

The only exercise I've done this month is running... out of money! Anonymous

Exercise Quotes Money Quotes Short Quotes

They say money doesn't solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine. Anonymous

That moment you're thankful for Coronavirus social distancing rules because you just ate some garlic. Anonymous

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water. Anonymous

I end all my sentences with "Just saying.." because ending them with "You bonehead.." would probably be considered offensive. Anonymous

Only 6 hours, 45 minutes and 35 years until I'm done with work. Anonymous

Short Quotes Time Quotes Work Quotes

I survived the great toilet paper scare of 2020. Anonymous

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead. - Bill McGlashen

Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in the one ahead.

Bill McGlashen

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is completely stupid. Anonymous

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute forget the fruit. Anonymous

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