Latest Funny Quotes

When I take a shower I'm: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions.

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

There's a fine line between saying too much and saying too little. I walk that line like a drunk down at the circus.

All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy.

I couldn't work today because I had an eye problem.. I simply couldn't see myself working today.

If you like water then you already like 70% of me.

If people were meant to pop out of bed, we'd all sleep in toasters.

If craziness could fly, some people would have their own airport.

When things get hot, they expand, so I'm just getting warmer, not gaining weight.

Life always has it's ups and downs. I like to up the music, down the drinks, and then relax and enjoy.

There should be a calorie refund for food that didn't taste as good as you expected.

My Saturday was going really well, until I realized it's Sunday!