Latest quotes in the order they were added.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
You can't run through a campground. You can only "ran," because it's past tents.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
Hold on, let me overthink this.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.
Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.
How do you feel when the coffee machine is out coffee? Depresso.
I might get a job cleaning mirrors. It's definitely a job I can see myself doing.
Why shouldn't you ever iron a four leaf clover? You don't want to press your luck.
That annoying moment when you're texting someone and auto-correct decides to join the conversation.
I hate it when people ask me to watch their stuff. Like what happens if someone comes and actually tries to steal it? Do I have to fight them? I'm not ready.
Childhood injuries: Fell off my bike, fell out of a tree, twisted my ankle. Adult injuries: Slept wrong, sat down too long, sneezed too hard.
I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.
I want to sleep but my brain won't stop talking to itself.
Some people can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2019