Latest quotes in the order they were added.
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
Be warned: I'm bored. This could get dangerous.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once.
This whole working for a living thing goes on for how long?
And so ends another week without me getting rich unexpectedly.
Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours."
Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment.
You can't run through a campground. You can only "ran," because it's past tents.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet.
Hold on, let me overthink this.
Sorry I'm late, I got here as soon as I wanted to.
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature.
Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2019