Latest Funny Quotes

I'm stuck between "I need to save money" and "You only live once."

Anonymous

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

Anonymous

Why does it take 5-7 business days to refund my money when it took 5-7 seconds to take it out of my account?

Anonymous

I hate when people ask me what I'm doing tomorrow, I don't even know what I'm doing today.

Anonymous

I'm sorry, I didn't realize that you're an expert on my life and how I should live it! Please continue while I take notes.

Anonymous

I'm so old I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign, and we played tic-tac-top on top of it.

Anonymous

Never play poker with the world's fastest animal, because he's a cheetah.

Anonymous

I didn't like my beard at first... then it grew on me.

Anonymous

I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it's someone's birthday and I like to celebrate.

Anonymous

Today I started gardening... I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

Anonymous

Me: What a terrible day. Mom: Be more positive! Me: What a beautiful terrible day.

Anonymous

I don't like violence but I don't mind if I get hit by luck.

Anonymous

There are a 100 billions nerves in the human body, and there are people who have the ability to irritate all of them.

Anonymous

Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

Anonymous

A relationship with a best friend is like a sugarcane... You can crush it, shred it, grind it, squeeze it and it's still sweet.

Anonymous

Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a "No Bell" prize.

Anonymous