Latest quotes in the order they were added.
When I find it, I don't need it. When I need it, I can't find it.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That's why we call it the "present."
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
If one door closes and another door opens... your house is probably haunted.
My four moods: I'm too old for doing that. I'm too tired for doing that. I'm too sober for doing that. I don't have time for doing that.
Listen, before I had my coffee I didn't know how awesome I was going to be today either.
Smile like a monkey with a new banana.
A person who always disturbs you is a person who loves you.
I'm having people over to stare at their phones later, if you want to come by...
People say "go big or go home" like going home is a bad thing. Heck yeah I want to go home, and I'll have a nap when I get there.
Now if you'll excuse me... today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.
I hate when I lose things at work, like pens, papers, sanity and dreams.
Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.
Today I bought a doughnut without sprinkles. This diet thing is hard.
I may be a beginner at some things, but I have a black belt in shopping.
Online shopping gives me a reason to live for another 3-5 business days.
Instead of LOL why don't you try LOLWKASF: Laughing Out Loud While Keeping A Straight Face.
Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.
If you think nobody cares that you're alive try missing a couple of payments.
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
It's hard to find a friend who is 95% talented, 96% funny, 98% loving, 99% intelligent and 100% sweet. So don't you dare lose me!
I wonder what people do with all the time they save by writing "K" instead of "OK."
Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
Be kind to people, and if that's too much to ask for then just be weird to people. It's the least you can do.
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