One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
All you have to know about celery is that it's made up of 95% water, and it's 100% not pizza.
Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now that's confusing.
An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
I'm gonna order a pizza 5 minutes before the new year, then when it arrives I'll say I ordered this last year.
Nutrition labels should include an "What if I ate the whole thing" section.
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
Growing up is amazing, until you get old!
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
What did my doctor tell me when I rushed into his office and told him I have 40 seconds to live? Hold on a minute!
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
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