An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.
It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
After a lot of research, scientists have concluded that the most vitamins are found in the pharmacy.
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
The first time I saw a kiwi I thought it's a potato with fur.
Nutrition labels should include an "What if I ate the whole thing" section.
One day you're 18 eating pizza for every lunch, then suddenly you're 30 and eating salad with celery and kale juice.
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people.
You laugh because I'm different...........
I laugh cause I just farted!
Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles."
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.
George W. Bush
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...
The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not.
It's easy to stop smoking. I stopped smoking today with no problems. I also stopped yesterday too, and the day before that.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn't hire stupid people.
Newspaper ad: Hiring clowns, must be serious.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
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