Latest Funny Quotes

Back in my day there was so much toilet paper available that people used to string it up in trees to annoy people. Anonymous

If you were wondering about my culinary skills... I've been asked to bring paper towels to our family gatherings. Anonymous

Eat Quotes

Good morning self-isolation inmates! Anyone know how much vodka goes in scrambled eggs? Anonymous

Eat Quotes Good Quotes

It's not boring staying in the house for weeks in a row. But how come one bag of rice has 48,356 gains and the other 47,998? Anonymous

Life Quotes

Sorry, the deadline for complaints was yesterday. Anonymous

Short Quotes

Husband: I am a grown man, stop mothering me. Also husband: Have you seen my keys? Have you seen my wallet? Where did we park? I don't have clean underwear. Anonymous

Life Quotes Marriage Quotes

Honestly, I don't even play an active role in my life any more. Things just happen and I'm like "I guess this is what we're doing now." Anonymous

Life Quotes

Here's human empathy for you: Things die all over our windshields and we're like, "Man, I just washed this!" Anonymous

Life Quotes

People said follow your dreams, so I went back to bed. Anonymous

Short Quotes Sleep Quotes

I don't have gray hair, I have wisdom highlights. Anonymous

Short Quotes Witty Quotes

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons...and 85% morons. Frank Zappa

Stupid Quotes

Why can't the house clean itself? It seems to get dirty by itself. Anonymous

Short Quotes

I'm looking for a moisturizer to hide the fact that I've been tired since 2010. Anonymous

Short Quotes

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks. Anonymous

Life Quotes Short Quotes

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up. Anonymous

Computers Short Quotes

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