Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you'll be a mile from them, and you'll have their shoes.
More Quotes by Jack Handey
Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
I'd like to live like a poor man - only with lots of money.
You're born free, then you're taxed to death.
Two fleas are coming out of a bar when one asks the other 'Do we take a dog or do we walk home?'
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
Don't be stupid, it might make you famous.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice' ?
Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
If A is success in life, then A is equal to X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z - keeping your mouth shut.
Coincidence is God's way of remaining anonymous.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
You can stop driving me crazy, I can walk from here.
A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say 'How to Build a Boat.'
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I'd have to do.
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