If your New Years Resolution was to eat out less, you're killing it.
That moment you're thankful for Coronavirus social distancing rules because you just ate some garlic.
Now that I'm quarantined, I finally realize that my only true hobbies were shopping and eating out.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
New year resolutions you can actually keep!
Skip more classes in school.
Call in sick at work more.
Go shopping more often.
Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers.
Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits.
Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!!
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.
There's nothing better than a good friend, except for a good friend with chocolate.
Give a man a fish and he will have food for one day. Teach him to catch fish and he will spend all day at the lake drinking beer.
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