Fortune cookie: You'll have a better fortune in the next cookie.
A cookie a day keeps the sadness away. An entire jar of cookies a day brings it back.
Don't believe everything fortune cookies tells you. Just because they're sweet doesn't mean they're right.
If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That's right, a black eye and a broken hand.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
I am on a 20 day diet, so far I've lost 10 days.
Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
A fisherman who just caught a huge salmon reels the fish in, looks at the fish and says 'I am taking you for tonight's dinner!' The fish replies 'I already ate, can we go somewhere else?'
You can trust your dog to guard your house but never trust your dog to guard your sandwich.
New year resolutions you can actually keep! Skip more classes in school. Call in sick at work more. Go shopping more often. Eat more unhealthy food like fries and burgers. Drink more pop cans instead of freshly squeezing healthy fruits. Do less exercise and watch more TV.
I am on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
I'm so sorry about what I said when I was hungry.
A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.
"Oh you want to have your cake and eat it too?" Darn right, what good is cake if you can't eat it ?
How do you know a man is thinking about his future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
If you eat in the kitchen, your room is always clean, and you go to sleep at 9 o'clock, it means you don't have Internet!!
If you know how many cupcakes I'm holding behind my back I'll give you both of them.
When you see a couple walking down the street holding hands and laughing, you look over to your side and the only thing you're holding is a half eaten sandwich.
Violet Matters
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of chips.
I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up food they drop on the floor.
The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!
