Latest Funny Quotes
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Latest quotes in the order they were added.
If it's free, it's advice; if you pay for it, it's counseling; if you can use either one, it's a miracle.
Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy. Albert Einstein
When science finally locates the center of the universe, some people will be surprised to learn they're not it.
When I was 16 I worked in a pet store, and they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them. Steven Alexander Wright
No, no, I'm listening, it just takes me some time to process so much stupidity all at once. Anonymous
Start each day with a positive thought, like: "I can go back to bed in just 17 short hours." Anonymous
Me: Please let me sleep! Brain: Nope, we have to stay up together and go over every bad life decision we have made so far. Anonymous
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu. One requires tweetment and the other requires oinkment. Anonymous
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word. Anonymous
If you ever get an email about pork, ham, salt, and preservatives, don't open it. It's spam Anonymous
The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your card out of your wallet. Anonymous
I burned my Hawaiian pizza today. Should've cooked it on aloha temperature. Anonymous
Starting tomorrow whatever life throws at me, I'm ducking so it hits someone else. Anonymous
How do you feel when the coffee machine is out coffee? Depresso. Anonymous
I might get a job cleaning mirrors. It's definitely a job I can see myself doing. Anonymous