Original new funny quotes written by our very own writers at CoolFunnyQuotes.com.
I think I'm starting to have a problem with my vision, ever since I got married I haven't seen any money through the entire house.
There are more important things in life than Facebook and Twitter,.. like watching TV, and having a beer.
In life, we must find happiness. I've been looking everywhere and still haven't found it.
Never run away when you see a bear, unless you know you can beat some of the other runners.
My boss told me "It's not rocket science." Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.
Studying top moment: to exercise your memory and start sweating.
Ultimate lazy moment: Watching the sunrise on TV because you're too lazy to get up and watch it for real.
In grammar class the teacher asks her student: When you sing you say 'I sing' what do you say when your brother is singing? I say 'shut up you're a terrible singer'.
I don't care when people honk at me, but when geese do, I get out of the way!
I put my phone in airplane mode, but it's not flying!
The best part of going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.
I once finished first on my running team, then the coach asked me where everyone else is.
Whoever said great things come in small packages hasn't seen my big screen TV.
Today was once tomorrow, and tomorrow will be today soon.
I called tech support and told them my computer is frozen. They said to hold the power button, and I was like 'Ummm.. it's covered with ice man."
Working in a team means spending half your time convincing the others that your idea is better than theirs.
The problem with drinking and driving is that trees defend themselves very well.
The difference between running and walking is a lot more apparent when you have to go to the bathroom.
The best things in life are free. The rest are too expensive.
Why does the bad piano player refuse to play when you offer him $100 to play? The neighbour already gave him $200 to stop playing.
When is the longer way always better than the shorter one? When you're a taxi driver.
Happiness: The emotion that puts your face in motion. Fear: The emotion that puts your legs in motion. Anger: The emotion that puts your fist in motion. Lesson: Don't be afraid or angry and you won't have to run and fight.
After many years of studying my Geography book I finally know by heart that Australia is on page 23.
One small decision can change your life! That's why I always let someone else make my decisions, that way if something goes wrong I have somebody to blame other than myself.
According to Archimedes' principle, what happens when you jump in a bathtub full of water? Answer: The phone rings.
CoolFunnyQuotes.com © 2019