Top 100 Funny Quotes
Only the best of the best quotes make it here, and it's up to our visitors to decide which make it and which do not. This list is automatically sorted based on your votes, so please vote if you think a quote sucks or rocks!
I always say "morning" instead of "good morning", because if it was a good morning, I'd still be asleep.
Anonymous
I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones... that's why it's called a "cell" phone.
Anonymous
I would like to apologize to anyone whom I haven't offended yet. Please be patient, I will get to you shortly.
Anonymous
Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a 20 minute jog. So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers.
Anonymous
The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?'
Anonymous
That awkward shopping moment when someone is standing in front of the items you need and you pretend you're shopping for something else because they just won't budge.
Anonymous
It's really complicated to make something simple, but very simple to make something something complicated.
Anonymous
I changed my password everywhere to 'incorrect.' That way when I forget it, it always reminds me, 'Your password is incorrect.'
Anonymous
Instead of calling it the John I'm going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
Anonymous
Displayed 1-15 of 400 quotes.